The Complete Guide to
by A'isha Ishtar
Summary: Surviving Life with Megatron and the Decepticons! Exactly what it says on the tin! Wha... oh slag, I'm in trouble again. I'm COMING, Lord Megatron! ... Better read what I have of this before Lord Pain in the Aft finds out that I'm posting these!
1. Guidelines 1 & 2

**Ummmm, no explanation. In fact, the explanation's pretty much in the summary!**

**This was inspired by "Rules for Not Getting Squished" by StoleTheSpider, so if you liked that hopefully you'll like this! Megs, would you like to do the honors?**

**Megatron: MUST I?**

**Me: Yes. Yes, you must.**

**Megatron: *rolls optics* FINE. If _she_ owned us... *points at me* We'd be screwed. Enjoy the guidelines.**

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><p><strong>1. Be grateful to Megatron for even considering to take in a fleshy.<strong>

Okay okay. Let me explain... I didn't MEAN to act disrespectful. I was _asleep_, for Primus's sake. It was just my first day, and Starscream had happily shown me to my room. I thought he was just being nice - I mean, some people who are on the bad side are genuinely nice people.

Last time I ever make THAT mistake.

Okay, so I was sleeping in my bed, or "berth" as Screamer had called it. You know, just minding my own sweet business, arguing with a Dreamland Deb's store manager. She wouldn't sell me the dress I wanted, just because they were sold out! Totally rude, right? But it can't be helped, because their service, much like that of Gap, sucks... sucks, sucks, sucks, it really suuuuuuucks... especially the Dreamland versions!

All of a sudden, there was a crash which obviously caused me to wake up. I was scared shitless, not that I need to say that because it kind of goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway.

Megatron came thundering into the room (yes, THUNDERING because he was that pissed) and just snatched me up like I was a little worm and he was a hungry birdie. He was roaring at me that why the Pit was I in _his_ berth, who the frag did I think I was, and all that scrap. Meanwhile I was shaking like nobody's business, sobbing and defending fairly unintelligibly that Starscream said this was my room and I shouldn't have trusted him and would Megatron please beat the ever loving slag out of him because I was too little to make a dent?

Megatron, of course, didn't buy my story. I guess he believes a slimy little aft-hole over a teeny tiny squishy. He gave me a rather impressive string of Cybertronian swear words, then heaved me right outta the room as if I were a weak l'il peanut. He then proceeded to yell at me that I better get my scrawny little aft out of the vicinity before he blasted me to Alpha Centauri, and to next time think before I decided to be such a disrespectful and ungrateful youngling.

I still have a bruise on my aft. And my side. And my leg. And my head _may_ need X-rays.

Oh yeah, and I fully plan to get revenge on Stars-creepin'-in-the-girls'-locker-room. Last time I ever trust that guy - I'm going to treat him as much as scrap as he treats me. SO HA TAKE THAT WORLD!

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><p><strong>2. Starscream doesn't like coming out of stasis with smiley faces all over his armor.<strong>

Of course, you may ask me why I should CARE that he doesn't like this. The answer? I shouldn't. But apparently, it's one of the things that might get me stepped on. I have no idea _why_ Starscream doesn't like being happy...

So anyway, here's how it happened. Remember the revenge on Screamer I was talking about in the first rule, that was inevitably inevitable? Yeah. I had finally figured out how to get back at him.

Okay, so as you may or may not know, Barricade actually doesn't mind me. It's probably the fact that I'm almost as super sadistic as he is, or maybe it's the fact that we're both mega bitches. Whatever it is, he kinda sorta likes me - as much as a Decepticon can like a human, anyway. So he was my cohort/fellow evil plotter in this evil plot/conspiracy against Screamer. Because he hates Screamer for... ah, well, I'm not exactly sure what he hates him for, but the fact stands that Barricade has a thirst for Screamer's Energon. (I wonder how Energon tastes, anyway...? I bet it tastes like space candy.)

So I was sitting around with Barricade (my nickname for him is Barracuda, but he's not addressed by it in print, because he's _cool_), blaring Jessie J so loud I was surprised Megatron didn't complain. As much as Barricade hated humans, he liked our music better than Cybertron's music. Plus he puts up with it because I like it. 'Cause he's awesome, if I haven't mentioned that like sixty bajillion times already.

We were both on the berth, because it was big enough that we could both fit. He was sitting up and polishing his weapons, and I was lying down with my eyes closed. Idly I mentioned that my first day here Screamer had been a total fragger to me, and that I wanted to smack his aft around but I was so small and what could I do?

Barricade snickered, and he told me that Screamer absolutely _hates_ when anyone messed with his paint job, and why didn't I take that into consideration? So I shot right up, grinned, and was out of the room before Barricade could blink, muttering something about heading to the Obnoxiously Bright Yellow Paint Warehouse.

While I was at this oddly but aptly named paint shop, in addition to the yellow paint, I also purchased a small thing of black, and two paintbrushes. One was little. One was big. I had much fun at this warehouse.

So then I went back to the base and displayed my devious tools to Barricade. He approved immensely. Then he mentioned to me, once again rather offhandedly, that Screamer was in stasis. I think he definitely wanted me to exact my revenge on Screamer. He probably put up security cameras in Screamer's room so he could catch the whole thing on video from different angles.

I ran off to do my dastardly deed.

At last, it was done. And I thought Screamer was looking pretty good; he certainly looked a lot more cheerful. I'd even painted some nice-looking smiley faces on his wings, and for Primus's sake I added little angel wings to represent Screamer's Seeker wings.

But, um, if you should ever decide to do something like this, especially to a Decepticon... I have some advice. When you're done painting, _haul aft outta there, dude_. Don't stop to admire your handiwork! You wanna know why? Because as I was doing so, Screamer came out of stasis.

Oh, I yelled and cried for Megatron and/or Barricade to come and help me. But Megatron was too busy with... uh... whatever it is that Lord Megatrons do. And I guess Barricade was too busy laughing his aft off from wherever he was watching the security cameras. If there were even security cameras.

Screamer almost threw me off the roof. He was _pissed_. I don't really know why, I was just trying to help him improve his outlook on life. Who couldn't be happy looking at cute little smiley faces?

... A Decepticon Seeker, _that's_ who.

I tried to apologize by offering to wash it off. But he wouldn't let me near him, he thought I'd add more smileys. Or hearts. Or rainbows. I guess he likes being dead on the inside, since he never smiles or laughs or does anything vaguely that displays any kind of joy.

I'm not allowed to leave base without an escort anymore, which kind of sucks because none of them take me anywhere fun. I don't get to go to McDonald's, or on a tour of the fireworks factory, or that store with all the shiny power tools.

_And_ they poof into holoform and accompany me into the store. Let's play a guessing game, boys and girls: Can you GUESS how many times I've been mistaken for Blackout's girlfriend? Or Brawl's girlfriend? Or Barricade's _life partner, "Moonbeam"_? (That one kinda makes me sound like a hippie, which is super awkward.) Although, not once have I been accused of being Screamer's _anything_, except thorn in his side.

Maybe I should just call him Starscream from now on, and avoid any further damage to my person. I've been trying to be nicer to people, even if those people are giant metal Doritos hellbent on my destruction.

... But I'm sure living with the Decepticons will quickly break apart this odd human concept of kindness. Can't wait for that.

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><p><strong>Let me know how you liked it! And remember, I don't own Transformers! Like Megs said, if I did, they'd all be screwed sideways!<strong>

**Sideways: EXCUSE ME?**

**Me: What the hell are you... OH. Uh, no, Side, not like that. I didn't mean you, I meant... hehe... *wink wink nudge nudge eh***

**Sideways: ... Somehow I think I'd prefer it if you'd meant ME. *runs for the hills***

**Reviews are welcome! Thanks for reading! ^^**


	2. Guidelines 3 & 4

**Oops, number 4 is a little longer...**

**But hey! We finally find out my little character buddy's name. Also, Skywarp's personality is basically Skywarp from TF Animated. That's why he's a spineless jellyfish, because I love the TFA Decepticons. Especially Starscream and his clones... but also Blitzwing 'cause he's funny. "OH SLAAAAG!"**

**Oh yes! And I'd like some suggestions for future ones, if you guys have any ideas.**

**... I do not own _The Pacifier, Real Steel, iCarly,_ or Hugh Jackman. THOUGH THAT LAST ONE I REEEEEAAAAAAALLY WISH.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>3. Movie Night with the Decepticons just isn't gonna work.<strong>

I thought I was being nice by trying to introduce some quality family time. After all, maybe if they bonded a little more, there wouldn't be so many guns to the aft and everyone wouldn't be at each other's throats. I mean, I know Brawl likes fighting and all, and that's cool... but he takes it way too far. He's like mecha Kenpachi Zaraki from _Bleach_. (PLEASE don't tell him about it though, that'll just put ideas in his helm.)

I guess a double feature was a bad idea. Especially since the first movie was _The Pacifier_ (starring Vin Diesel!) and the other one was _Real Steel_ (starring the sexy Wolverine - I mean, Hugh Jackman!).

I think the last one kinda pissed them off.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have sent out a bulletin that said my gathering was supposed to be a class on how to kick some Autobot aft. Because, uh, in case you couldn't tell, that was a total lie. Yeaaaaaahh... definitely shouldn't have done that.

Oh yeah, and you'd be surprised to know that Starscream keeps a giant TV in what's known as the Rec Room of Death. It's big enough like a regular TV for them, and it's like a movie screen for me! So we all win.

The Rec Room of Death, logically, was where I held my super-fun, groovy, bonding-flavored activity. It's a wonderful room, with lots of space for sparring. There's also a cool gymnastics set for this one 'Con named Alice. Well, I mean, that's what everyone calls her anyway. She's pretty cool, and she's not usually a bitch to me because I'm the only other girl on the base. I guess she gets lonely, but hey, she shouldn't go around freaking people out with that impossibly long tongue of hers. It's a little disturbing to humans.

I also wanted to use this as an opportunity to apologize to Starscream. (Yeah, since I'm being nice I can't call him Screamer anymore, which is a shame 'cause it's a better fit.) I admit that my revenge on him was kind of mean, even though he was mean to me first. So after some thinking in the shower (that's where the best thinking is done, have you _noticed_ how no two fortune cookies are alike? Confucius must have taken a lot of showers...), I came up with an apology present.

I also tried to make some chocolate-chip apology cookies - they're sorry-tastic! - but I suck at baking. Ask me to actually _cook_ something, like a chicken or a can of clam chowder, I can do that. But flour and yeast and eggs just have it out for me, I swear. So that was botched, and I had to settle for just Movie Night.

So anyway, I sent out the invitations. I even gave one to Megatron. As previously mentioned, the tagline was _Wanna kick Autobot aft even harder than normal? Meet me in the Rec Room of Death at 8:00 sharp!_ Although, having signed my name at the bottom, they probably knew it wouldn't be anything of the sort. (Except Brawl. Don't tell him, but he's not exactly the brightest Crayola in the box.) They all decided to humor me, though - even Starscream - and for this, I was grateful.

It would have been a better idea, though, to have everything set up _before_ my skyscraping buddies arrived. But as fate (and my laziness) would have it, 8:00 rolled around and I was still untangling cords. My deceptive pals were gathering, and there I was, a bumbling mess trying to figure out which cord went to the DVD player and which went to the Wii.

"What is this all about, femme?" Megatron growled, presumably looking ready to bite my proverbial head off. (So I was unusually glad that my back was to him.)

"Come now, let's give her a chance to explain herself," Barricade chuckled. Then he turned to face me. "_What_ is this all about, femme?"

I briefly let go of the cords, facing my robotic chums. "Greetings, might Decepticons! I am so very humbled - and just tickled seven shades of magenta! - that y'all decided to show up to my crazy l'il shindig. Means so much to me-"

"What's the _point?_" Starscream groaned.

"Oh, uh, er - point?" I grinned nervously, bending down to grab the still tangled cords. "Move Night, that's the point! I can't seem to find _The Pacifier_ - yeah, yeah, I'm lookin' at _you_, Frenzy, you sneaky little bitch - so we're just going to watch _Real Steel._ It's killer. Now, who wants some popcorn and who can help me untie these fragging cords?"

With Alice's help (barring her disturbing tongue), I eventually got the cords untangled and the movie started. But by then, Brawl (who was upset that my kicking aft message was fake) had already eaten all the popcorn. So all I had was soda pop.

The hellish torture began after the movie was over. Either my alien friends were offended by the movie's concept... or they all had something against Hugh Jackman. (Of course, that second one is sooo ridiculous - I mean, Hugh Jackman's too sexy for his shirt. And preferably, in my universe, his pants too.)

I was _chased._ For three hours. And then cornered! I spent a full night sleeping in the bathtub. Not even Alice or Barricade showed me any mercy. Thankfully I only had one shot fired at me (again, _lookin' at YOU, Frenzy, you pint-sized little bitch!_), but my night wasn't much fun either way.

As the famous Key of Awesome "Tik Tok" parody on the internet once said... _sleeping in a tub can really mess up your neck._ And I am NOT entering Scalpel's office for any reason. Even if my head falls off. Somehow, I know he'd manage to make it worse.

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><p><strong>4. "But come on, this thing could brain <strong>_**Primus!**_**" isn't a valid excuse for walking around swinging a sock full of fresh apples at your comrades.**

Clearly I've been watching too much _iCarly,_ but hey, it's their fault for not including that little disclaimer in the beginning. You know, that thing they have on stuff like _1000 Ways to Die_ (and boy, does Megatron love that show for some reason; I think he wants to sparkbond with it, but I don't have the heart to tell him that's impossible) saying that there are imitate-able acts on the show and impressionable viewers should not watch. You know... like, uh... four-year-olds and... angsty pre-teen boys and... seventeen-year-old human femmes with short attention spans.

So, I cleverly redesigned Sam Puckett's "butter sock". Only instead of butter, I took the liberty of having my budster Barricade drive me into town, to that all-organic hippie supermarket. And of course they figured that was a nice, good, wholesome place I was allowed to go. (_AHAHAHA the Decepticons good and wholesome! That's a laugh! Should I be worried about what they consider "good and wholesome"?_)

I decided that if I only bought a bag of apples, it would look kind of suspicious, like I was TRYING to get myself put in the dungeon for the trillionth time. So I did _not_ just buy apples. I also bought red peppers, bananas, pineapples (just like regular apples except regular apples are too small for SpongeBob to live in), two watermelons, some cucumbers, a carton of mushrooms, carrots, and a coconut.

Why all of that? Well... it would be a good cover, since I could tell my pals I was making a veggie tray and a nice little fruit salad - and they, not really knowing how humans prepare their food and clearly not noticing that everything I got was either hard, sticky, or shaped like a nightstick, would be none the wiser.

Besides, if this little fun party went awry, I could defend myself with the cucumber. And you know what? I think the employee made a little mistake. I asked which one was best, and he seemed to have accidentally given me one shaped almost _exactly_ like a laughably big dick. (Don't worry, I got back at the asshole. I said I knew this really nice, hot girl who was single and a great kisser. _Hahaha, _have fun on your date tomorrow, Alice... maybe I'll send Brawl over there to be all "Hey! Whatchu doin' with my girlfriend, buddy!" and scare the piss out of the guy.)

So anyway. We got home from the hippie store, and I proceeded to put all my edible unmentionables in the fridge. (Nah, I'm not talking about panties you can eat, though I've heard of those and kind of wonder: what do panties taste like? How do you make panty-flavored panties? Do they lick a piece of fabric and go "Okay, boys, now make that into a flavor"?) I left the sack of apples on the counter, explaining it to Barricade as apples didn't need to be refrigerated.

Once I was done putting everything else away - probably to either ward off Decepti-attacks or make a lovely snack later - I turned my attention to my sinister apples. I managed to smuggle them past everyone else into my room. Alice raised an eyebrow at me, but I bribed her with the date; so she just grinned and said, "I didn't see anything with my pseudo-organic fish eyes!"

... Yeah, she's a bit of a weird one, but she's the only other girl until we find a full-on femme.

In my room, I found one of my old Christmas socks. It was an atrocious little thing, with reindeer printed all over it and little jingle bells _that actually jingled. _Ughhhhh. In short my mom and I had an ongoing War of the Wills where she got me things she knew I didn't want... and that sock deserved to die. In fact I think it _wanted_ to die. It didn't have any hopes or dreams worth accomplishing. (Besides, it would expire soon enough since I'd lost its mate a while ago...)

I climbed up onto my berth with the ugly sock, and spilled out my bag of devious, shiny, pretty red apples. I put the sock on my lap and went through all of the apples, carefully selecting only the biggest and crunchiest. No, I didn't bite into them. I banged them against the berth, the surefire test of if something would go... _soft..._ on me. Like that poor little citrus-scented Optimus Prime soap carving I sacrificed last month. (May Soaptimus Lime rest in peace, and I hope the real one's face spontaneously cracked right up the middle when I did that.)

I inserted all of my mightiest warriors into the hideous sock, and tied up the end with a nice, thick pink rubber band. I tested it out a few times, and my poor berth came out of the affair with a couple of dents. However, Cybertronians were made of tougher stuff than the scrap-heap-grade metal my bed was made of...

Time for another, heh heh, _taste test._

"FRENZY YOU PINT-SIZED LITTLE _FRAGGER!_ YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIIIIIIIIIIDE FROM LADY JUSTICE!"

Unfortunately, I should not have yelled that _before_ leaving my room. Because once I went lurking in the hallways, I saw neither hide nor tail of Frenzy. He's scared of me because he has this stupid idea (_cough cough_) that if I got too angry I would morph into a techno-vamp and feast upon his delicious, bite-sized circuitry.

So I decided to go give Skywarp a panic attack. That was always fun.

He was in the Rec Room of Death, shivering under a blanket and watching a horror movie - oh wait. No, that wasn't a horror movie, that was _Care Bears._ Damn, is there nothing that makes him cower? He's probably even scared of his own shadow.

I skipped into the room, holding my Hard-On, as I had dubbed my apple sock, behind my back. "Hi Skywarp!" I chirped, leaning against the giant couch where he was sitting.

"Ah!" He jumped and shot a wide-eyed look (well, technically optics, but would you add a _k_ with that suffix...?) at me. He only calmed down a little when he realized it was me. "O-Oh... T-Tristy, it's you."

I blinked innocently, as if I wasn't plotting his destruction as I spoke, and came in front of him. "Aww, Sky, you didn't spring another oil leak, did you?"

"N-No, I'm fine..." He quickly offlined and onlined his optics. "Um, d-did you want to keep me company? The evil bears are really scary..."

"Heehee! You're so adorable, Skywarp." I got closer and prepared my swinging arm. "But, uh, you know... there _was_ something I wanted to tell you, now what was it..."

He raised an eye ridge. "M-Me? You wanted to... tell me something?"

"Yeah. Oh, I think it was something like, uh..." I pulled my apple sack from behind me and let it fly, straight into the armor of his leg. "_FEEL MY HARD-ON!_"

"_AAAAAAAAAAH! No, no, NOOOOO! It burns! Oh Primus! GET AWAAAAAAAAY!_"

I followed him out of the room with my Hard-On, still squealing, "YOU'RE _MY_ BITCH NOW, SCAREDY-BOT!"

Needless to say, after I tailed him in a hopelessly cliche _Scooby Doo_ scene - complete with 80's chase music, "Eight Days a Week" by the Beatles, courtesy of Barricade - I was sent to Megatron's throne room. Surprisingly my Hard-On had still not been confiscated, though I had managed to make Skywarp glitch and crash at the same time, which was _awesome._

The way Megatron said my name was not good. "_Tristyn Foley._" If he growls while using your full name, he's double dipped and _you're_ double fucked.

"Y-Yes milord?" I squeaked out, rapidly getting to my knees and bowing my head so far it nearly crashed into the ground.

"Skywarp is going to be in the med bay for an entire stellar cycle. Reveal your weapon."

Translation: _fork over the Hard-On, you stupid little organic femme._ I pouted and got on my knees, holding out my sock. "This thing."

He raised an eye ridge. "What... _is_ it? Besides aesthetically offensive."

"It's a sock. I filled it with apples." I untied it and pulled one out, and was going to take a bite of it but thought better and just slipped it back in.

"Why?"

"So I could give Skywarp anxiety. My first target was Frenzy, but the little fragger hid from me." I sulked. "He was probably in plain sight, too."

He vented, and shook his helm. "As amusing as you or anyone else found it, that is not a valid reason to walk about the base with your bare little organic pedes and assault your teammates. Apples are another contraband item now."

"Oh, but come on!" I held up my Hard-On. "You see this thing? This thing could brain _Primus!_ I'm not even kidding, if I swung it hard enough-"

"_You have no excuse, Tristyn!_" he roared. After a few non-kliks he calmed down and cast his optics over me. "Your punishment is one deca cycle in the med bay with Scalpel. You caused the damage to Skywarp, you will assist in repairing it."

The only reason I got off that easy was probably because Megatron wanted to look at the security tape from the Rec Room of Death and figured the whole thing would be just as funny as he processed it would be. (And it was.)

I walked out of there feeling shot down, without my Hard-On, and pouty. I didn't get very far down the hall before Thundercracker passed me, looked down, and blatantly pointed out to me, "_This_ is why we can't have nice things, femme."

That was when I broke down bawling. I was too far gone to even be helped by Sunstorm's frantic and insincere kiss-assing.

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><p><strong>Thanks fer readin'! ^^<strong>


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